I can only start with this:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
There is no other truth that I can cling to if I don’t believe this. There is no explanation. No blame I can lay. No coincidences. No justifying. It just doesn’t make sense. And if God’s ways are as meaningless as mine, I would have nothing. No point to go on. Nothing to hinge my hope on. But despite the news that is staring in my face, I know My God has a plan.
In December throughout radiation, I began to collect fluid on my lungs. It is was being watched but we didn’t do more than that. I coughed for a few weeks, but as I returned home the cough went away for a bit. Let’s jump to today. I have been coughing for weeks. An unproductive cough. It is an irritation to the lining that makes my body think it needs to expel something. I have had shortness of breath and find it very hard to carry on a conversation without coughing. 
This image is from Feb 24th. The white shows the amount of fluid that is compressing the lung. As it is drained, the lung begins to expand again. However, within 5 days, mine filled back up. So today I sit burdened by a cough and unable to take deep breaths. The fluid was sent to pathology at MDA and confirmed there are breast cancer cells in the lung.
This may be confusing to some, but the explanation is that when cancer metastasizes (spreads) it travels through the lymph or blood channels. So the cancer that I have had all along was not killed off with chemo and was given the chance to travel. Maybe it has been in my system for awhile, but October scans revealed no evidence of disease. And today I have a comparison scan that says something different is going on in March.
How I want to make this eloquent and worth reading, but my soul just doesn’t have it in me. So buckle up for the facts. Cancer in the lining of the lungs. A lesion on the liver that was not present 4 months ago. Multiple spots in the spine on the CT scan and areas on the femur and pelvis. It has gone where it wants. It is not contained. It is not medically curable. I have a MRI of my brain coming soon to see if it has spread to there as well.
I am not going to even address how we are doing. Stupid question with a stupid response that wouldn’t even touch the surface. We have a hard and ugly road ahead. I can’t even bring myself to type a fight. A fight suggests that you can win and we know the ultimate outcome here.
Things have been changing daily, but here is where we are now. I will start a chemo pill in a week or so. Side effects unknown, depends on each case. 2 weeks on, 1 week off. Then we scan. If the spots are steady or shrink, we continue. If they grow, we move on to the next drug. This will be the remainder of my life. Keeping the cancer managed.
To immediately address the issue of the fluid, I will be admitted Thursday for a surgical procedure to keep the fluid from returning. On the front end, it will be harder, but should permanently keep it from refilling.
I am sorry to deliver such bad news. I am sorry that I am not in a place to make it sound more hopeful. I know that many of you have been waiting and this is the fastest, easiest way to spread the news.
Do not let hardship and pain drive you from your maker. Do not doubt his love for me and my family. I don’t understand His ways, but I trust them. I will press into Him to reveal this path to me and I ask that join along side us, trusting Him.
Ohhh sweet Julie!!!! I hate this for you and Ethan. The cancer and the truths may be UGLY, but once again you are beatiful!!!!! Thank you for your declaration of the absolute goodness of God in a broken, ugly world. — my love to you!!!
prayers continually going up for you and your family Julie…..
We love you and keep praying.
Words fail. I am so sorry, Julie. My heart absolutely breaks for you and your precious family…and yet, is once again so encouraged by your unyielding faithfulness in the midst of brokenness. My prayers and love are with you.
Words fail me. Sending love and prayers sweet friend.
Thank you for your brutal honesty and bravery in the face of what can only be beyond terrifying. Your words give us vision how to pray for you and your family, and pray we will.
Julie, I have been waiting for your update and praying that the cancer had not spread. I am so very sorry that the news you received is not what you and all of us wanted to hear. I wish that we could understand His ways, but on this side of Heaven, all we can do is trust Him and His faithfulness. Continue to cling to the hope that Jesus bought for us with his blood. You, Ethan, and your precious girls are in our prayers.
We love you guys and know that God continues to be glorified through you even when the answers are not what any of us wanted.
Hey Julie. Thank you for being real. We love you and your family and we will be praying even harder for you during this trial.
There are no words for this update Julie. None that seem adequate at least. Stupid is right. I have been checking daily on you and was hoping against hope that this would not be the post I would see. I have no doubt this is certainly not the post you wanted to have to write. You are at the top of so many prayer lists, and I guess I hope that knowing that brings a small measure of comfort in a time that most likely feels comfortless. Thinking of you and your sweet family today and always.
There are no words. Only tears. I am so very sorry, Julie. May you continue to be strong when you need to be strong as well as feel the freedom and safety to be angry, terrified, heartbroken, and any other emotion as it comes. You are loved.
Julie, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry it’s come to this. You have carried this with such eloquence and grace. I pray and I will continue to pray.
Oh Julie. I am at a loss. Just know we will continue to pray. Since I met you back in elementary at Eldridge Road Church of Christ, your faith in God has been a light. And in the midst of this darkest of times, you are still shining bright. May God lift you up and hold you and your family in his arms, and may you shine on. <>
Julie, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family every day, as they will continue to be. It breaks my heart to hear this. Please don’t say, you are sorry, sorry for anything, you have nothing to apologize for. We love, and support you. Let us know if we can do anything.
Prayers for you and your family.
You are brave. You are a child of God. You have an eternity in His arms with a complete and disease free existence. Thank you. For being brave. For sharing the ugliness. For being you -a wonderfully created masterpiece in His image!
Julie, I don’t have words, the best thing I do have is continued prayers and faith in God’s plan. I can’t even imagine your disappointment, but your words and attitude are a testimate to your Love and Faith in your Father In Heaven! God Bless!
Precious Julie…when I saw your post in my inbox…I left the loud evening chaos of my home and took my iPad upstairs alone to read. I am leaning back here on Tatum’s giant life sized bear…with tears in my eyes. No. No. No. I can’t stop saying this. You are my friend…my friend whom I have never met. (Have we met? It seems maybe we have…) 🙂 You were a light and a support to me in some of my darkest days. You loved my little girl when she was sick…and painted truth for her. Thank you for being you. For telling us the hard and the ugly. And for encouraging us to not waver in our trust…that God’s ways are holy. My prayers will remain with you. Everyday. I mean that. Your name is written in a little book of mine. You are remembered every single day. Love you brave sister. Be still…know He is God. He is.
Thank you for allowing all of us to be informed of what you are dealing with. None of us can understand what you must be feeling but I can say that your courage and faith are evident in your updates. Thank you for updating bc you are on so many hearts and minds and we fall on our knees in prayers for you. I’m wearing my tee shirt today.
I admire your faith. I was thinking about you very strongly this evening. I look forqard to the time we can all know the truth of Rev 21:1-4 “And I saw a new heaven and a new earth;a for the former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea is no more. 2 I also saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from Godd and prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more,h neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”
Be courageous and know my heart is with you. I am not happy to know we are Stage IV buddies. Yet I am with you in this stage.
Hugs and love
You do not know me but I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. Blessings to you and everyone who matters to you.
We are praying for you, Ethan, and the girls. We also lift up prayers for your family, friends, and the doctors that will be working with you. May God bless you, Julie; and may you continue to have the courage to share your story with everyone as a testimony of your faith.
Been watching your journey. Staring straight into the heart of what faith looks like in this moment. And I thank you for starting with the word of God and ending with this: “Do not let hardship and pain drive you from your maker. Do not doubt his love for me and my family. I don’t understand His ways, but I trust them. I will press into Him to reveal this path to me and I ask that join along side us, trusting Him.” I come along side of you in prayer for you to see God’s glory in this, to spread His goodness in the badness of it all, to show your girls the Maker is trustworthy when He may not seem like it from small eyes & to fill your husband with strength and courage and supernatural love for your girls. And that He soothes your soul in the journey and casts our fear. My heart breaks with you, Julie. Like you must, I feel the need to just crawl up somewhere in His Presence and cry a long while. There are lots crying with you, Julie, and many praying. And many watching. Your influence will draw people to Jesus. This is your moment to shine. Even though you probably cannot muster one ounce of shine. But you will shine because you have the Light of Jesus in you. Shine on, sister. And God bless you!
Ryan and I sit here tonight in awe of your steadfast faith. Our courage wains at times and then we remember your courage and we think we can go on. When we walked through the death of Noah alongside you, we weren’t sure we’d get through it, but we did. And we did because you did. Because you found joy in the midst of pain and courage in the face of discouragement. There’s no doubt that we are doing what we do everyday because your faith changed ours forever. Noah lives on in our hearts because he’s the reason we turned back to God. Heaven’s population has increased because you shared your story with us. In light of all that, we sit here today and can’t begin to guess all God will do through this story. If He can use a baby’s heart to soften 2 very hard, stubborn hearts like ours and in turn the hearts of hundreds, if not thousands of others, then we can’t begin to measure the worth of your testimony. Lives are changed. Eternity will never be the same. We honor God for the gift of your life. You have all our love, forever.
Prayers for you and your whole sweet family. I am so very sorry to read this. So sorry.
We are so sorry, Julie! Praying for you and your sweet family!
Oh Julie, I am so sorry. I keep writing and then deleting because no matter what I say it doesn’t sound worthy. You are a fighter… and a winner. One day at a time. You are in the hands of the best at MDA. We pray for the Dr.’s to be given the wisdom to methodically work for a plan that will get you through this again. And with so many prayers and brilliant physicians you never know what miracles may be just around the corner. We are keeping hope alive and praying for you, Ethan, your beautiful girls and your whole family. Love you.
as I read this news, suddenly, all my fears and hardships seem so petty. They are petty. What stands out is your strength, courage, and trust in God in the most difficult circumstances I can fathom. You are that shining beacon of light we hear about, but rarely see. Thank you for being that. Courtney and I will keep praying. May God bless you and your family…
Praying for you and your dear ones, Julie!
Julie and Ethan, my heart just sank reading the news! Love you guys so.
Thank you for your honesty, bravery and deep, transparent faith in our Creator! Praying for you, Ethan & your beautiful girls!
Hi Julie. We have not met, but I read your blog years ago when you were first diagnosed. I was sad to see that you are fighting yet again. My neighbor, April Scheele, also from Spring Hill, is at MDA right now fighting cancer the 2nd time. You might already know her, but if not I would love to get you guys in touch. I will be praying for you and your family. My email is navymelia@gmail.com.
You are such a huge presence in our midst. Continue to shine your light, and share your journey. Your faithfulness is so apparent in your writing. God Bless You sweet Julie. I will be praying for peace, comfort, and God’s loving arms to hold you, and your beautiful family. Through Christ all things all possible!!
I have no eloquent words and they would likely be more insulting than helpful if I did. However, we see miracles happen everyday at the hospital. My own father is one of them. You will continue fighting because there is no alternative. I am praying for you and your sweet family.
Like so many have said…no words. While we haven’t kept up in person or via phone through the years, I have followed your stories…. Heartache and tears. I have prayed for you and yours. I am so sad to hear this news. I, like you, just simply do not understand His ways…. And still, I do trust them. You have shared your life – it’s ups and downs with us and been an inspiration in your demonstration of faith. Keep on sharing and inspiring others. God has a plan in this…. That I do know. I will pray for comfort, peace and joy in the midst of this “newest” trial. You are loved!
You and your family still have my prayers, Julie. I pray that His works might continue to be displayed in you, and I thank you that you remain faithful to look to Him. He is faithful and promises to stay by your side. Love and prayers because of Jesus, Diane
Julie, you don’t know me, but we have a precious friend in common, and more importantly, we serve the same Lord. My heart hurts for you deeply now because of the sorrows of this earth. It is obvious that you know God and that the difficulties you suffer are not because of a lack of love or faith or trust, but rather are the product of a world that is temporary, imperfect and troubled. I am so very sorry for the huge weight that you carry. It is evident that you have helped others carry heavy burdens and shared your love and faith in a way that has changed lives and had an eternal impact for good. Now it is time for you to allow others to do that for you and to allow God to bless others through their service to you. Please continue to be open about your feelings and needs so that those who love you can serve you and your family well. Your faith continues to have a huge impact, even as others minister to you. I will add my prayers to the myriads that are being lifted daily. I especially pray for your husband and children and wish you could feel the huge hug I would like to give you. But better still, I pray that you feel God’s presence in a very palatable way, and that every need will be met while allowing you to see and feel Him working. May the God of all hope give you strength, stamina and peace. May God bless.
Julie, words cannot express how sorry we are that you are facing this! And you’re right, we have to trust God for his greater plan. Know that our prayers continue and your family is in our hearts!
Julie, I am a friend of Heidi’s. She shared this with me. I will be thinking about you and praying for you to win this battle. Be strong and fight. I pray that God wraps his arms around you and holds you, your husband, kids and family tight!! Xoxo
Julie and Ethan – please know that I have been praying for you on this journey – one that you didn’t choose, but one that in ALL THINGS you are still glorifying God. The Holy Spirit is your voice before the Father as you are without words but a mumble jumble of feelings. Know that you are loved and prayed for!
You are an amazing, beautiful, strong woman (of course I see you through your FB posts). I feel how strong your faith in God is. I thank you for sharing so openly and courageously.
julie, this sucks. Period. Cancer is hard and it’s ugly. I love your honesty. It’s the worst and yet you have a savior who is the best to lean into. Praying hard.
Julie,
My heart is breaking with this news. Everything in me is screaming out, “No”. It doesn’t seem right that you should be encouraging and comforting me, but that is just what you’re doing. I will continue to ask God for your healing, for comfort, for strength, for His presence to be evident in each moment and for His provision in every area the you and your family need. You are an amazing woman and your girls are so blessed to have you as their Mom and role model.
Heb 4:16 “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
In His Love,
Sandy
Julie~My heart breaks for you and your family. Although I don’t know you and you don’t know me, I just wanted you to know that I’m praying for you, your doctors, your path of treatment, your healing and for God’s huge arms of love to wrap around you and your family and uphold you with His righteous right hand. Thank you for bravely and eloquently sharing the reality of your battle so we know how best to pray for you.
Julie, how do you make pain such a beautiful act of worship? Your creator is shining through again and again. An ocean of prayers for you and your family. Love and hugs.
praying and calling on the name of Jesus!
I am so thankful for your example of what it really means to “believe God.” My heart is so heavy, but God was so gracious to use His word to remind me this morning that “He brings forth water from the rock” (Numbers 20). Praying.
You have our prayers.
Julie and Ethan, what can be added to your profound, raw, real words? You speak so well of the reality of the emotional roller coaster of medical news and God’s ultimate Presence. So rather than offer any more words, let it suffice to hear that I love you both, and do indeed stand by you always. Virgil
I will continue to pray for your health and your family, Julie.